Q: I’m a gay high school sophomore and I’ve had no luck finding other guys. I met a really nice guy on the Internet who wants to help me live out my dreams of being another dude’s sex slave. He’s offered to pick me up after school and take me to his house. He’s 38 and I’m 15. My parents don’t know about any of this. Should I agree to this plan or should I go to the cops? —Fifteen And Gay
A: Do not go to that man’s house!
Look, FAG, I understand what you’re going through. It sucks to be 15 and gay and isolated. And it sucks to be horny and frustrated. And while your dream of being another dude’s sex slave is a perfectly delightful fantasy, the safe, sane, responsible people out there will not play with kids your age.
All you know for sure about this 38-year-old man is that he’s willing to pick a 15-year-old boy up after school and take him home and “enslave” him. Would a really nice guy into BDSM troll around on the Internet looking for kids your age? No, FAG, really nice kinky guys don’t do that. Since this asshole is willing to break the law to get into your pants (he probably broke the law just talking to you about it), what other illegal things might he be willing to do? Once he has you at his house, what assurance do you have that he will let you leave? What assurance do you have that he will refrain from doing things to you that you don’t want done? You could get infected with HIV, brutalized, raped, killed or all of the above.
Trust me, FAG, in a few years you’ll start meeting more guys around your own age and you won’t feel so isolated. And when you’re legal, I promise you that you’ll start to meet nice kinky guys who share your fantasies but aren’t willing to break the law and rape teenagers to realize them.
Finally, I’d like to invite folks into BDSM to write in with their advice for guys and girls like FAG — what do kinky young people with access to the Internet need to know? How can they tell the good kinky people from the bad? And as for whether FAG should go to the cops, I’m going to punt that question. What do you, kinky and unkinky readers alike, think? Should FAG go to the cops? I have some thoughts — but I want to hear yours first.
Q: I’m an 18-year-old girl in a small town in Tennessee. My best friend David wants to move in with a woman he met online. David is my age and this woman is 22. She lives in San Francisco, and he’s never even met her. They talk over IM and she seems nice — but I don’t like it. David thinks he’s in love. His parents are totally against this relationship and the girl is catching shit from her friends in San Francisco. I went along with this whole deal for a while, but I never thought it was going to get this far. David says that he loves me for standing by him. What I really want to do is take a bat upside his head and beat some logic into him. I wish I could tell him that he’s making a terrible mistake. What can I do?
And one last thing for me: I’m about to enter college and am still a virgin. I’m really nervous about having sex. I know I’m going to be inept at first, but will being a virgin turn people off? —Freaking In Tennessee
A: Unlike FAG and the fucking creep who offered to pick him up at school, your friend David and his friend in San Francisco are both adults — young adults, which makes their willingness to take a chance on love kinda charming, even if the odds are stacked against them. Yes, David is probably about to make a terrible mistake, FIT, and David may wind up with a broken heart, which will suck for David. Maybe what David really wants is to get the hell out of Tennessee and his relationship with this woman is just his excuse. And, shit, FIT, at 18 you’re supposed to make a few terrible mistakes.
Still, you owe it to David to tell him how you feel. But tell him gently and tell him you’re still on his side. Warn him about the long odds and ask him to be realistic. Make sure he has a back-up plan if it turns out that he’s not into this woman once he meets her in person. (Is he going to stay in San Francisco? Where will he live? How will he support himself?) And if you want to be the best friend of all best friends, go to San Francisco with him. If it’s a disaster, David will need your support. If he’s blinded by love, David may not be able to see the tracks on her arms, the five o’clock shadow on “her” face, or the Bush-Cheney bumper sticker on her car. You will, though, and you can point them out if you’re there. And if she’s wonderful and it works out — stranger things have happened — you can vouch for this woman to folks back home.
And no one you would want to sleep with once you get to college is going to hold your virginity against you. Just be honest with potential sex partners: You’re ready, willing, able, enthusiastic and inexperienced. If they know where you’re coming from, they’ll regard your initial ineptitude as a charming challenge.
Q: PISS, the woman having a hard time peeing on her boyfriend, doesn’t have to spend $350 for a sex-toy toilet. Portable camping toilets are much cheaper. They’re basically toilet seats on legs. The logistics may be a little more challenging since they weren’t designed to have a person down under there, but since they cost as little as $10 it seems worth a shot. And if her mom finds it in a closet, she can tell her it’s for camping. —Outdoors Woman
Q: As a fellow lesbian ejaculator, I have a money-saving tip for Water Works. If she’s looking for something less expensive and more comfortable than $200 rubber sheets, she can buy “underpads” from a medical supply store. They come in disposable or washable options and they’re a lot cheaper. I’ve seen a carton of 200 disposable “underpads” for $30. —Less Expensive Solution, Better Option
A: Thanks for the money-saving tips, OW and LESBO. The options I presented to PISS and WW were pricey, I admit, but I was only trying to save American jobs. The last thing our faltering economy needs right now is for the normally robust fetish-gear sector to go into a slump.Contact Dan Savage at firstname.lastname@example.org