Q: I have a serious problem. I am pregnant with a boy. At first my husband and I were in agreement that we would not circumcise him. I have read that the foreskin is comparable to a clit — all the nerves and stuff that make sex more pleasurable. But now my husband says he has changed his mind based on brief conversations he had with two people. One woman said that when she saw her ex-boyfriend’s uncircumcised penis it was a “deal killer.” She wouldn’t fuck him because of it. The second woman said her boyfriend’s son had to get circumcised at age 13 because “boys just don’t clean it and it causes all sorts of problems.” I have seen an uncircumcised penis and although I did not have the pleasure of fucking it (in order to get firsthand knowledge of the situation) I gladly would have had the circumstances been different. And how hard is it to clean a dick? That 13-year-old just needed to shower more often, in my opinion. My questions are: Do women (or men) gag at the sight of an uncircumcised penis? Do men prefer to be circumcised? Will my son be mentally scarred for life because he has a “deal killer” of a dick, or will he be scarred because we cut off his foreskin? Help me Savage-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope. —A.Z.
A: First off, A.Z., the foreskin is not, as some anti-circumcision activists insist, “comparable to a clit.” The head of the penis, the glans, is the clit’s male counterpart. Remove a woman’s clit or the head of a man’s cock, and you destroy the ability of that woman or man to experience any sexual pleasure at all. Remove a man’s foreskin and he’ll usually get by — and get off — just fine without it.
Second, I empathize with the difficult position you’re in, A.Z., as I found myself in the exact same position six years ago. My boyfriend and I had just adopted a newborn boy and we were at odds over the circumcision issue. My boyfriend came down on the “Won’t he feel weird if his penis doesn’t look like his fathers’?” side of the argument, whereas I came down on the “How often do guys stand around comparing dicks with their dads?” side. Ultimately my position carried the day, and we didn’t get our son circumcised, and today we both feel we made the right decision.
Third, I’m going to quickly run through your questions before I terrify you with a gut-wrenching tale of woe: Some men and women gag at the sight of an uncircumcised penis, A.Z., but they’re assholes you wouldn’t want your grown son to fuck anyway, right? Besides, circumcision rates in the United States are falling — just 65 percent of all newborn males are circumcised today — so the men and/or women your son will one day be fucking and/or be fucked by are unlikely to be disgusted by an uncut cock, A.Z., as they will either have encountered more of them or they’ll have one themselves. As for whether or not men prefer to be circumcised, well, most cut men are happy with their dicks, A.Z., and most uncut men are happy with theirs. The thing about the unhappy cut men, though, is that they can’t get uncut, you know what I’m saying?
And that brings us to point four, the tale of woe I mentioned. …
Q: I am 24 years old and lost my entire glans penis, the head of my dick, in a botched circumcision. Basically I have a shaft, but there’s no head at the end. Unfortunately, I was left with my balls so I still have a sex drive, but it’s nearly impossible for me to climax. When I was much younger, around 14 to 16, I could sometimes masturbate to a climax, but after a couple of years I stopped being able to do this. Some of the women I’ve been with never saw the condition of my penis, and failed to notice when I didn’t come. Others have seen my condition before intercourse and refused to have sex with me, while still others found out afterwards, after I wasn’t able to come, and then never wanted to have sex with me again. Of course I never dare to ask anyone to suck me, although this might provide the necessary extra stimulation and actually help me climax.
So my problem, Dan, is twofold: I can’t come and I can’t get anyone to stick around and help me try to come. Can you suggest any special techniques for someone in my condition? Any help would be appreciated. I’m very miserable, frustrated and lonely. —Mutilated and Comeless
A: Ok, A.Z., after reading MAC’s letter, and after insisting your husband read MAC’s letter, is circumcision really something you want to risk? I know, I know, “complications,” as it’s delicately put, are rare after circumcision. But even if the odds are low — even if they’re infinitesimal — the thought of having to look your glans-less son in the eye one day and say, “We’re awfully sorry about that botched circumcision, son, but your father and I used to know this woman who once dumped a guy because he was uncircumcised, you see, and we didn’t want to risk that ever happening to you … and … so … sorry.”
Speaking parent to parent, A.Z., and speaking as a contentedly circumcised adult male who likes his dick just the way it is and has no truck whatsoever with hysterical anti-circumcision activists (whew!), I would rather teach my son to wash under his foreskin than assume even the tiniest risk of him losing the head of his penis in a botched circumcision.
OK, MAC, on to you. …
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Rarely am I left speechless or bereft of any suggestions at all after reading a letter, MAC, but, Christ Almighty, I haven’t the faintest idea what to tell you. But I ache for you, kiddo, and so I’m throwing open the switchboards here at Savage Love HQ and putting out a call for advice from my resourceful readers. If anyone out there has any expertise on headless dicks or knows of any special techniques for people in MAC’s condition, please write in. Write in right now.
Q: Devote at least one column before Election Day to telling all your readers to vote for John Kerry, Dan. I recently spoke to a guy who didn’t know or care if Kerry was the Republican or George Bush was the Democrat. He only knew that he was voting for Kerry because “Howard Stern told [him] to.” If Howard Stern can convince one person to vote for Kerry, then you can convince 50. You might be reluctant to use your column as a political platform, Dan, but please use your influence to help get that madman, George W. Bush, out of office! —Anyone But Bush
A: I suppose it would be alright if just this once, ABB, I transformed my sex column into a political platform. And while it’s doubtful that I inspire the same degree of slavish devotion in my readers that Howard Stern inspires in his listeners, I will encourage — beg, demand, order — all of my American readers to vote for John Kerry on Nov. 2. If there are any undecideds out there reading this in swing states (do you hear me, Ohio?) or, God for-fucking-bid, any Nader supporters reading this, do the right thing and vote for Kerry!Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org