With a wink and a finger pistol, Hit Singles is back, ready for more accusations of slander and the occasional retraction. As usual, well be calling out some assholes around town, poking fun at others and raising a shaky-handed libation to the praiseworthy. Or not.
First, were far too scrawny to jiggle our best man-tit and beer-gut in salute of everyones fave D12 tub, Bizarre. But we would if we could. Why? Cause Bizarre dropped a whopping 9 pounds on this weeks episode of VH1s Celebrity Fit Club. Thats right, the round, brown rapper is down to a svelte 312 pounds. We hardly recognized dude on our TV screen, and alongside one-time power-pouter Kelly LeBrock, Bizarre looked positively ravishing. Whats more, it appears the trainers on said show even got Bizarre to complete a full sit-up! No shit. Ouch! So, no more army-sized servings of Kentucky Fried Chicken dinners for Biz on D12 riders, natch.
Time for matching suits?
Holy Fire manager Ryan Sult reports that his boys have signed with Militia Group, a Vagrant Records for the 21st century that features a roster full of earnest young men with impeccable taste in T-shirts. The Orange County-based imprint will issue Holy Fires In the Name of the World EP nationally in February, with a full-length to follow. Hit Singles looks forward to Holy Fire action figures in the aisles at Hot Topic, as well as Sean Hoens guest spot on the OC, where he will seduce Marissa to the slithery, stylish indie rock sounds of Lift Off Message.
Super Bowl MILFs unite!
One of earths greatest all-mom bands, the Mydols, celebrates with heady aplomb the ghastly glit and low-rent attraction of Super Sunday on a new single called Thank God for the Super Bowl. And just in time. According to the bands press release, the brand-new ditty is a united sigh of relief from wives, mothers and girlfriends around the breast of this land, for they do not have to think about mundane issues like equality, love and respect. No, for this one near biblical day of manlihood, they need only to have to focus on how they can best serve the hairy gorillas that have placed their feet on their grandmothers antique coffee table. We couldnt have said it better ourselves, as we believe the universe is indeed female. And the tune? Why its a sparkly, groove-spank of Bowl-defiant irony that upholds the honor of miffed, sports-as-culture haters everywhere. Who can lose with a line like, I dont need directions cause I know where to stick the party dip?
Go to mydols.com for your copy of the CD single, or see the band Saturday, Jan. 14, at the 2500 Club, 2506 Park Ave., Detroit; 313-962-9077.
Get your stinkin entries in for the venerated Metro Times Blowout, because to participate in the 200-plus band, four-day revel (March 1-4) you must get your shit in by Friday, Jan. 20. If you are a band or artist, go to www.metrotimes.com/blowout for details.
By the way, to the bands who sent in the dashboard Jesus and the three-headed (?!) dildo we thank you, kindly.
MT contributor and notorious shut-in Jeffrey Morgan has been penning his weekly 300-word wit and pith Media Blackout column in these pages for more than a year. Besides angry screeds and occasional blow jobs Morgan has received in the form of letters, hes not gotten much recognition. Until now, anyway. The venerated music crit gadfly-of-sorts Web site rockcritics.com bestowed Morgans column with a Superior Scribing Award for his work in 2005.
Youll note that it was Lester Bangs at Creem magazine who gave Morgan his start back in the halcyon days of rock criticism.
Needs it like a ....
Kudos to Obie Trice and his gal for continuing to draw breath after a mysterious car shooting on the West Side that saw Trice take a bullet to the head. The bullets still there, but Trices OK.
Not Real World
Rumors still fly about a Royal Oak Real World. They remain unsubstantiated; Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone didnt return Hit Singles calls. But if MTV does airdrop a gaggle of glittering and privileged archetypes into one of those bogus new lofts in downtown Royal Oak, itll be hilarious to witness the whimper, whine and madness unfold. Whats the over/under on Woodys becoming the casts hangout? That place is like a bush-league Hooters crashing into a frat party, anyway. Real World casts always need a job too. ... Fire Millen?
It crawled from the bins
If youre still bored, dig this Web site we found whilst picking our noses: djharvey.de. Its run by a Detroit-born German record collector named Darin J. Harvey whose Dennis Coffey fetish is perceptible; his Coffey-related vinyl collection is scary. Hes got Paul Parrishs Forest of My Mind Music Factory record, done in 68 at Tera Shirma studios, which weve been scouring local and national bins for.Send bitch-slaps, quips, tips and rants to email@example.com