Q: I’m a 35-year-old straight male and my sex drive is all but dead.
I find sex tedious and repulsive. The odors of sex disgust me; I find the grunts and positions absurd. Lately, whenever I meet a woman I immediately size her up: Is her skin leathery? What about cellulite? Weight distribution? Stained teeth? Arm hair? Bad breath? Even if most of these things are a pass, I seem to have some compulsive Terminator-like mechanism that sizes up how she’ll look naked — in the morning, in a year, or in 20. All women fail this test.
As a result, I haven’t dated or had sex in over three years. When I was younger, I never used to notice these things. Most of the available women my age have tanned, smoked, or had drug problems — and I can read this stuff on their skin like text on a TelePrompTer. I’ve discussed this with therapists and psychiatrists. They always say, “You don’t want a relationship.” But that never stopped me from dating and fucking when I was younger.
My other area of concern is that I go weeks without masturbating. And when I do, it’s hard to keep my mind from wandering. I’ve had my testosterone checked; it’s normal. I also don’t do any drugs, and am in very good health and shape. There was a time when just about every girl I saw turned me on, stretch marks, cellulite, bad breath and all, so I know there’s something wrong. So, Dan, am I just fucked up? Are my balls broken? My antidepressants not working? Are they working too well? Do I have an unborn twin in my scrotum? Should I start popping Viagra and humping strippers, like Mom tells me to? —Nothing Arouses My Broken Libido’s Ambition
A: My first reaction to your letter: Christ, what a mess.
My second reaction: I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I gave you advice, NAMBLA (cute), that actually resulted in some poor woman waking up next to you one morning. No woman’s ass, to say nothing of her self-esteem, could possibly survive the kind of scrutiny to which you would subject it. As someone with body-image issues of my own, I can’t in good conscience send innocent women into the buzzsaw that is your cruel gaze. So why not leave all those nice, leathery women alone, NAMBLA, and just be a single guy?
Wouldn’t you be happier alone anyway? I detect in your letter a desire to please your mother and/or your therapist by getting it together and starting to date again. But you seem content to me as is. You can’t stand stinking human bodies, you don’t miss sex or masturbation, and you’re only in psychological torment when you worry about the sexual relationships you’re told by society — and mothers and therapists — that you’re supposed to want. But if you can’t stand real human bodies — all of which stink from time to time, all of which eventually fall apart in revolting ways — and if you don’t miss sex, well … gee … why not do all the women out there a favor by forgoing sex altogether? Bag it. Sex just isn’t for you. Move on.
Q: I have a friend at my university who is shockingly hot. She is also a 21-year-old virgin. She doesn’t think that premarital sex is a sin, but she says that she wants to remain pure for her future husband. She also says she thinks about sex a lot, but remains virginal anyway. I think she is wasting a perfectly hot body, and denying herself (and us guys) a basic human pleasure. Besides, she would be doing her future husband a favor by gaining a bit of experience. Forgive me if you have covered this issue before, but can you please inform her of the many reasons NOT to remain a virgin at 21? —What’s the Point?!
A: The best reason for a shockingly hot woman NOT to remain a virgin at 21, WTP, is a sincere desire on the part of the shockingly hot woman to cease being a virgin. There are, of course, all sorts of good reasons why people should sleep around a bit before they settle down, and I’ve covered them in previous columns. But if a hot woman wants to remain a virgin, WTP, you have to respect her choice. And if by remaining a virgin she’s denying her perfectly hot body to the kind of guys who regard hot women’s bodies as public amenities, well, I’m gonna get her back. If I were a woman with a hot body and I was given a choice between virginity and sleeping with guys who believe that women with hot bodies are obligated to sleep with them, I might choose virginity too.
Q: I have been dating my girlfriend for almost two years. Things are great. My biggest turn-on, though, is when a girl orgasms really hard. I love going down on her, but she won’t let me finger her ass at all when I do. The reason why I really want to try this is because when I did this with my ex she came really hard. I talked with my current girlfriend about it and she just thinks it’s too icky and would make her feel self-conscious. How do I convince her that it might be awesome? Or do I just let it go, considering it’s her body and everything. —A Sensitive Soul
A: Yeah, yeah, ASS: It’s her body and everything and she said “no” and a sensitive soul would never pressure his girlfriend and certainly wouldn’t write to a sex-advice columnist seeking pointers on getting his finger into his girlfriend’s butthole and blah blah fucking blah.
Out here in the real world, however, boyfriends pressure girlfriends and girlfriends pressure boyfriends and boyfriends pressure boyfriends and girlfriends pressure girlfriends to try stuff all the time — even stuff, ASS, that they balked at the first few times the subject was raised. Hey, did I say “pressure”? Perhaps it would be more accurate to say “beg.” Yes, it’s her body — let’s be clear. But gently and respectfully asking/pressuring/begging someone to expand his or her sexual horizons is not the same thing as refusing to take “no” for an answer.
So how do you address your girlfriend’s specific objections to a finger in the butt during oral sex? You can dispatch with the “icky” factor by going down on her in the shower, ASS. Then when she’s all worked up you ask if you can stick a finger into her squeaky-clean ass. If she says it will make her self-conscious, reassure her that she’s got a hot ass and that it would look even hotter with a finger in there. If this doesn’t work, try it again three or four more times. If it still doesn’t work, ASS, then she really did mean “no” and you should drop it.
Finally, ASS, just because your last girlfriend came really hard when you fingered her ass doesn’t mean your current girlfriend will. Different people respond to different stimuli in different ways. Still, I think you should ask/press/beg on the off chance that this will send her over the edge. Her reasons for saying no (cleanliness, self-consciousness) are stock anal hang-up stuff, precisely the kind of excuses that someone who doesn’t really mean “no” tosses around. A little love, a little soap, a little begging, and you may help her discover that she digs anal play.Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org