Q: I hope this problem isnt too boring: I adore my smart, affectionate, sexy husband but hes impotent. We dont really need medical advice we know why. (It started out physiological, side effects from anti-depressants, now its psychological.) Hes currently and willingly seeing a psychiatrist.
I need some advice on how we can get back in the saddle. Direct discussions about the problem make him feel worse and more inadequate. Hes even admitted he avoids situations where we might fool around, because if he doesnt try, he cant fail. Im getting a bit desperate Im having fantasies about posting on Craigslist and finding some NSA sex but really, I just want to have hot sex with my husband! I want to be understanding, but I also really need to get some. Asking him to use a strap-on is just plain insensitive, right? Help One Really Neglected Young Woman
A: Your husband avoids fool around situations, or FAS, because he feels like he wont be able to satisfy you, his theory being, no bone, no satisfaction. That seems to be your theory too, HORNYW, and embracing it is making your problem worse. Its perfectly understandable that he would avoid FAS and the humiliation of failure until hes absolutely positive he can keep it up. Thats why the best approach in a situation like this is to take the focus and the pressure off the guys dick. Tell him he cant fail to satisfy you with oral sex, masturbation and toys (perhaps working your way up to strap-ons), and hell begin to think of sex as something hes good at again, boned or boneless.
And guess what, HORNYW? You may find that once your husband is not expected to produce an erection during FAS, his dick starts getting hard. However, resist the urge to jump on his cock the first time the first few dozen times if he gets hard while hes eating your pussy or using his hand to get you off. If you selfishly jump on one of those early hard-ons and he loses his erection, well, you might as well take a belt sander to his balls.
So those first erections? Theyre not for you, HORNYW, theyre for him. You should both agree in advance that if he gets hard and wants to get off, hes going to beat off while he eats you out, or fingers you, or watches you get yourself off. Before you can reconnect with his dick, your husband has to reconnect with it, i.e., he needs to get back to a time when his dick was something that gave him pleasure, not something that failed to satisfy you. Trust me, HORNYW, when that happens hell fuck you senseless so often that youll long for the days of FAS avoidance.
Q: Im 21 and Ive always had trouble coming during sex, no matter the position, size of the guy, etc. But it doesnt bother me because I have no trouble coming during oral or manual stimulation. So its never really been a problem until I started sleeping with this new guy. Soon after I start moaning and getting into it, he starts whispering for me to come on, baby. When hes about to come hes like, I hope youre getting close, I want to come with you. And then after were done hell ask if I got there or not! Ive told him that I basically just dont come during sex, but that doesnt deter him, and Im getting kind of sick of the pressure. Should I just fake it? Pestered Girl
A: A woman should never fake an orgasm during vaginal intercourse, PG, as it reinforces the most damaging misconception there is about female sexuality namely, that all women can climax from vaginal intercourse alone. In fact only 25 percent of women can come during vaginal intercourse. The overwhelming majority of women require additional focused clitoral stimulation manually, orally, a vibrator. If your current boyfriend is really invested in you getting off while hes fucking you, tell him that hes going to have to get a hand down there too or be cool with you using your hand while he fucks you. Or he can buy himself one of those cockrings with a vibrator built into the top of it, and grind that into your clit while he fucks you.
Q: I love hearing my boyfriend say nasty things to me while we fuck. My problem is that my boyfriend doesnt like to talk dirty. He says he doesnt think hes good at it. I dont need dirty talk to get off, so our sex life is still great. But how do I coax him out of his shell? Girl Wants A Bedtime Story
A: Tell your boyfriend that all he needs to do during sex is tell you what hes about to do (Im going to fuck you ...), tell you what hes doing (Im fucking you ...), and tell you what hes just done (I fucked you ...). He doesnt have to be an expert at dirty talk to do that, he just has to be able to keep his tenses straight. If hes got a high-school education he should be able to do that much.
Q: You recently wrote, Each and every one of us embarrasses himself in some way when he loses his virginity. Mortification cant be avoided. I thought it would be great if you asked your readers for their embarrassing stories about losing their virginities. That way your yet-to-be-deflowered readers wont feel alone when they have their mortifying moments.
Ill start: My freshman year of college I had been dating my girlfriend for a couple months. We had done pretty much everything else there was to do and we were in love, like any good freshman couple, so we decided to both have sex for the first time. Since it was her first time, it was rather painful for her and I went very slowly, moving just half an inch deeper at a time. Finally I was all the way in and stopped. She felt me stop and sweetly said the words every man longs to hear in bed: Is that it? She was asking me if I was all the way in or whether she should brace for more, she didnt realize what she had said until it was too late. I was mortified, of course, and it took much consoling to rebuild my male confidence. My Ego Eventually Recovered
A: Thats a swell idea, MEER. Savage Love readers are hereby invited to e-mail their mortifying true stories of losing their virginities. Keep em under 200 words and send em to firstname.lastname@example.org. Ill run a bunch in an upcoming column I may even include my own deeply mortifying tale o woe.
Speaking o tales o woe, remember SASA? He was the straight boy who, thinking only with his dick, went to a strange womans dark apartment in the middle of the night for an NSA blow job. The oral turned into anal and the woman turned out to be a dude. SASA was a bit stressed about HIV, about doing a dude and I addressed those issues. He also wanted to know if he was raped and, if he was, what he should do about it. I invited Savage Love readers to weigh in and you can read the expert legal analysis, accusations of urban-legend propagation, eerily similar tales of woe and confessions from guys whove taken advantage of other straight guys like SASA at www.metrotimes.com/savage.
Dan Savages new book The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family is on sale now.Send letters to email@example.com