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Where the boys aren’t



Q: I am a gay, healthy, native dude. I’ve got a great group of friends and a pretty well-rounded social life. You would think that I’d be swimming in a sea of eligible gay men to escort to the local hoedown. Unfortunately, I am not attracted to many gay men, or to the gay scene itself. I know it is self-defeating but I can’t end this cycle. I am tired of seeing everyone but me with a boyfriend. What would you suggest? —Single Dude

A: This is often a surprise to I’m-not-attracted-to-other-gay-men-and-the-whole-gay-scene types, but the overwhelming majority of out gay men can smell a gay man who’s repulsed by other gay men at 20 yards — and most find the stench distinctly unattractive. If you don’t like gay men, SD, why should it bother you that gay guys aren’t making passes at you?

You don’t like gay men, you don’t like the gay scene, but you want a boyfriend. I don’t much like the gay scene either, and I don’t like very many gay men — I don’t like very many people, period. Like everyone else, I’ve met thousands of people and only bothered to become friends with a few dozen. Why? Because, SD, most people are picky when it comes to friends, scenes and lovers.

On the gay-specific front, it sounds like you’ve been operating under some faulty assumptions. The first one, of course, is that there’s a gay scene, singular, as opposed to gay scenes, plural. If you don’t like a particular gay scene, it’s up to you to go find one more to your liking, or to create your own. Your other flawed assumption is that homosexuality is enough, that you would feel a kinship with all the gay guys on earth. It’s not an assumption that my straight brothers make about other straight people, SD, and it’s not one that a gay man should make about other gay men. Rainbow-flag wavers would have us believe that all gay men are pals, but gay people like other gay people at about the same rate that straight people like other straight people — that is to say, very rarely. So, armed with two flawed assumptions, you came to a flawed conclusion: You don’t like gay people. Or the gay scene.

Unless you want to become a bitter, lonely old queen, SD, you need to let go of all your faulty assumptions and that flawed conclusion. Get out there and find or create the gay scene that makes you happy. And you might want to develop a grudging tolerance and/or an ironic affection for the gay scenes you don’t enjoy. Some gay scenes are more crowded than others, and when you’re looking for a boyfriend you want a wide selection. The gay boy of your dreams may be hanging out in a gay scene you don’t like much. Like you, he’s hoping to meet a guy who doesn’t like the gay scene any more than he does. Once you meet him, you can flee the gay scene together.

Q: We all agree that groping without consent of the gropee is wrong. But as a happy guy who has never groped a woman without her consent, I have a different hypothesis: Say an attractive woman approaches, makes eye contact, and we exchange smiles. Then she slowly and furtively reaches over and caresses my privates. I wouldn’t mind a bit. In fact, it would make my day. Betcha most guys would agree, but sadly, if the genders were reversed, betcha most women would not. —Go Right Ahead Baby and Squeeze Softly

A: You’re right, GRABASS: Most women would mind being groped by a stranger in a store — betcha most women would call the cops. Male-on-female groping has a different context than female-on-male groping. Very few men are raped, abused or murdered by women, and women can hear the word “no” without stalking or terrorizing the men who’ve dumped them. Not all straight men are violent rapists or nutso stalkers, of course, but most women either know someone of their own gender who has been the victim of male sexual violence, or have been victimized themselves. So a man who grabs a woman he doesn’t know isn’t going to be perceived as a friendly, flirty guy, GRABASS, but as a mortal threat.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months; we have always been sexually responsible. My boyfriend once thought that if I were to accidentally get pregnant I would be willing to have an abortion. But I told my boyfriend that abortion is not an option for me and that if I do get pregnant I’m going to keep the baby. Now he doesn’t want to have sex with me! What do I do? —Sexless in Seattle

A: I’m pro-choice, SIS, which means I respect your right to choose — you can, if you get knocked up, decide if you’re ready to be a parent. If you’re not, you can have an abortion, or not. It’s your choice, it’s entirely up to you, and everyone — including your boyfriend — has to respect that.

But fair’s fair, SIS: While he can’t force you to have an abortion, you can’t force him to risk being a father before he’s ready. Choice isn’t just for girls. Your boyfriend also has a right to choose. Since the decision about being a father is out of his hands if you get pregnant, he’s making his choice now. Knowing that abortion isn’t an option, your boyfriend doesn’t want to risk fucking you anymore. It’s his choice, it’s entirely up to him, and everyone — including you, SIS — has to respect his choice.

Q: The other night, my boyfriend and I went to CBGBs, New York City’s venerable home of punk, to see a bunch of transsexuals, cross-dressers, and freaks, including Jayne County, Sylvain Sylvain, Lisa Jackson, and Penny Arcade. One of the bands, Sonic Uke, did a song called “Dan Savage Sex Advice Column Blues.” The song talked about dried condoms and “santorum running down my legs.” The lyrics and a recording of the song are on Sonic Uke’s Web site, —Bewitched

A: Thanks for sharing, Bewitched, and thanks to Sonic Uke for immortalizing santorum — that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex — in song. Let’s keep spreading the word, kids, and soon santorum will be on everyone’s lips.

Contact Dan Savage at

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