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Woof!

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On Saturday night, May 16, the Royal Oak Music Theatre was home to a rock 'n' roll benefit for the Michigan Humane Society. The Wonder Twins — who have rescue dogs and cats of their own and are staunch advocates of the adoption option — were in the house for the music ... and the free cookies!

D'ANNE: I was under the impression that there would be dogs at this show!

LAURA: That dogs would actually be performing?

D'ANNE: Yes. Like MiniKISS. Only with dogs instead of midgets.

LAURA: It would've been nice to see a reunion of the barking dog chorus from that "Jingle Bells" 45 we had as kids

D'ANNE: Yes, but that wouldn't have been seasonally appropriate.

LAURA: Good point! Plus, considering the lifespan of dogs, I'm sure the whole lot of them have passed on.

D'ANNE: Nice.

LAURA: When we first walked into the theater, there was a huge table of silent auction items. I found it exceptionally disturbing that you immediately made a beeline for the autographed picture of Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter and placed a bid. Also, it was disturbing that there was an autographed picture of Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter for auction in the first place.

D'ANNE: I wanted to get it for Dad for Father's Day. Sadly, I was outbid.

LAURA: You were. I hope that whoever won it will give it to a father who will cherish it, though.

D'ANNE: Me too.

LAURA: But thanks to the generosity of several sponsors, we not only got to see several bands, we also got to eat a lot of good cookies and sit on fancy couches.

D'ANNE: Yeah. VIP section, holla! My favorite band was Whiplash because they were actually the closest thing to MiniKISS.

LAURA: Indeed. Each member of the band is just 13 years old.

D'ANNE: I thought they were adorable. And pretty good too.

LAURA: That's because you like children.

D'ANNE: I do. And I like me some angst-y hard rock as performed by children.

LAURA: I like how they had a message for us in these economic times with that song about how even if you lose your car, your house or your girl, you still have rock 'n' roll!

D'ANNE: Something tells me none of those boys have ever lost a house, a car or a girl, though.

LAURA: Maybe their allowance. Was it after their set that you won a door prize?

D'ANNE: Yes! I won a gift certificate for aerial yoga at the Detroit Flyhouse. Which I am sure somebody will love.

LAURA: I'm happy you won that. Because I know you'll get no joy out of it and you gloated when you first won.

D'ANNE: That wasn't gloating. That was enthusiasm. Quickly extinguished enthusiasm, but still enthusiasm. ...

LAURA: I had never heard of Detroit Flyhouse and didn't even realize they'd be performing until the giant vagina appeared onstage.

D'ANNE: It wasn't a giant vagina so much as two long, pink curtains. Those ladies were all over that shit. Literally. Flipping through the air and stuff. It was really impressive. But not something I will ever do.

LAURA: It was very surreal, particularly since they were dressed in neon pink and blue mouse costumes. They were like the Mouseketeers of Vagina Climbing.

D'ANNE: I'm pretty sure that must be the Mouseketeer troupe that Britney Spears was once part of.

LAURA: Enough about vaginas. Let's talk about Ingray.

D'ANNE: Well, technically, that's still in vagina territory since they have a female lead.

LAURA: You're a pig.

D'ANNE: I'm just being scientific. Their drummer, Dave Dupuie, was one of the organizers of Music4Mutts.

LAURA: They had quite the following there. A lot of people were clearly there to see them.

D'ANNE: They also bested Whiplash for youngest fan base.

LAURA: Yeah. Ingray is not the type of band you'd expect to see parents pushing their little girls onto the stage during their shows, but that's what one lady did. I think I would have burst into tears if Mom had done that to me.

D'ANNE: You are a wimp! I thought it was sweet how she sang the words "in the darkness" to the girls.

LAURA: I wonder if Ingray does children's parties.

D'ANNE: Not the kind of children's parties I've ever been to. The band is definitely very intense.

LAURA: Adisa, the singer, reminded me of a mix of Juliette Lewis, Bjork, Nico and Sebastian Bach — looks and sound-wise.

D'ANNE: And their guitarist wins the award for Most Prolific Guitar Face.

LAURA: If there is a national competition for that, I would strongly encourage him to enter.

D'ANNE: Figuring out how to transition the event from Ingray to the Friendly Foes must have been tough.

LAURA: Exactly. So, of course, why not bring out a Michael Jackson impersonator?

D'ANNE: That was an impersonator?

LAURA: You were drunk on Bowser Beer by that point, I think.

D'ANNE: No I wasn't. It's nonalcoholic.

LAURA: It's also for dogs. The fact that it was called Beefy Brown Ale should have clued you in.

D'ANNE: Speaking of beefy, how about that new drummer of the Friendly Foes?

LAURA: Yes. Sean Sommer recently joined the band. He's also the drummer for Allan James & the Cold Wave.

D'ANNE: He's like a red-headed Paul Bunyan on drums. I bet he's a good fighter.

LAURA: Is that how you judge drummers?

D'ANNE: No, I usually judge them by attire. The best drummers wear nothing but spandex shorts.

LAURA: We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one.

D'ANNE: Two words: Lars Ulrich. Two more words: Tommy Lee.

LAURA: Three words: I just threw up.

D'ANNE: That's four words!

LAURA: It's always good to see the Foes. They're one of our favorite bands in Detroit.

D'ANNE: True. And I would like to publicly apologize for calling Lizzie [Wittman, Foes bass player] a "ho" before the show. She is not a "ho." And now I've put that in print, so it has to be true.

LAURA: You do say inappropriate things when you're drinking doggie beer. While I didn't slander Lizzie, I did talk to her about whether her dog was bound for heaven or hell based on that mutt's bad habits.

D'ANNE: All dogs go to heaven, Laura — just like the movie says.

LAURA: I know people like to take their dogs everywhere, but I was surprised to find out at the show that there actually is a church in Detroit that you can bring your dog to on Sundays.

D'ANNE: Indeed. The church even had a table there. And they were nice even when I told them I don't go to church.

LAURA: Well, they'll pray for you, I'm sure. And for your little dog too!

D'Anne and Laura Witkowski are music critics for the Metro Times. Send comments to letters@metrotimes.com

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