"That's right, customers. Sometimes, you're wrong as fuck."
‘The customer is always right.’
—Service industry proverb
If you’ve ever worked in customer service, you’ve heard the phrase above time and time again, and by this point you probably just grit your teeth and bear the rude, uncouth and downright creepy behaviors that these five words have enabled. While a lot of customers have a certain degree of decorum and won’t leave the taste of vomit in your mouth, the few that have the “I’m spending money therefore I will do what I want” mindset are just about biggest assholes on the planet. So what are the worst nastiest, dirtiest things that separate the humble shopper from the insufferable douche bag?
Taken from first-hand accounts from various customer service employees from various establishments, here is the list of the top ten most annoying habits customers should avoid at all costs.
10) Don’t expect an employee to know every aspect of your life.
It seems like it would be pretty obvious that the person who makes minimum wage ringing up your beer and underwear might not know when your birthday is, your PIN number or even your first name. People time and time again will get pissed off when an employee doesn’t remember the brand of bran flakes they eat, and will then threaten the employee because of it. Also, keep track of your purchase — if you leave it in the store, it’s on you. Cashiers see hundreds of people every shift, and contrary to your belief, you’re not special, princess.
9) Keep your potty mouth to yourself.
Take a step back and get out of your cashier or server’s face. They don’t make nearly enough money to have to endure your temper and rank-smelling breath all up in their business. It isn’t their fault that your food isn’t ready yet, or the chair you want doesn’t come in chartreuse. What the hell color is chartreuse anyway? There are probably children in the establishment that don’t need to hear your 1940s sailor’s mouth. If you don’t like something about your experience, then write a letter to corporate and let the big wigs take care of your issue.
And having just mentioned children
You think your child is a precocious darling who wants to "engage" adults. What you don't realize is that your rugrat is a selfish, petulant, screaming hellion that all the servers have nicknamed "Chuckie."
8) Employees are not a free babysitting service.
When in a store or a restaurant with a child, be a good parent and keep an eye on them. Letting them run around and scream at the top of their lungs is not OK. It’s also a liability: If that 9-foot-by-4-foot mirror comes toppling down onto their head, they knock a display over onto another customer, or run into a server with a 10-pound tray of steaming hot food, someone is going to get hurt, probably seriously. In addition, if you’re in a store that doesn’t supply food, clean up after your kid. Someone eventually has to pick up the gum they just spat on the floor.
7) If you can’t afford to tip, then you can’t afford to eat out.
When you go out to a sit-down restaurant, if the service is great but you don’t leave a tip, you just might be a douche bag. Scratch that, are a douche bag, a total, 100 percent, full-on, vinegar-infused douche bag. If you can afford to go out to eat, you can afford to tip. It is not the server’s fault that you ordered a $90 steak (but it is your fault that you sent them back four times because it wasn’t cooked to your liking and you decided you actually did need steak sauce). When you go out to eat you are paying $90 for the food, not the service that the server gave to you. Not tipping is a huge smack in the face to the server who just gave an hour of their attention to make sure that your dining experience was amazing. If you can’t tip, stay home. If you refuse to tip, get your lazy ass up and grab your own 20-pound tray, 10 refills and a different brand of ketchup. Servers also note: Just because a customer is expected to tip, doesn’t mean your service can be lacking. If you suck, don’t expect a tip.
6) If something doesn’t meet your ridiculously high standards, don’t demand that a person be fired.
If you order a hamburger expect it to taste like a hamburger, if you order lemonade expect it to taste like lemons and water and if you order seafood expect it to taste like fish. Sending back seafood because it’s too fishy, or demanding a person be fired because the lemonade you got was too watery is classic douchebaggery. People are human, and they make mistakes. If the lemonade is too damn watery, take your glass to the counter, explain your situation and ask for a different cup, like a sane person. A trivial thing like too many sesame seeds on your bun is no reason to lose your shit — or demand somebody else lose their job!
5) Keep your hands — and spit — to yourself.
If an employee tells you that your kid is too short to ride a roller coaster, if a worker tells you something isn’t safe or if a bartender cuts you off, they aren’t doing it to be mean. They know what they are talking about and you should heed their warnings. Putting your hands on someone, especially someone that is following the rules, is a big no-no. Spitting on someone because they tell you no is a bigger no-no. In fact, it might get your nose broken. This is pretty self-explanatory: Don’t spit on people. Though no job is worth that, going over the counter to teach you a lesson might be.
"No, miss. I just thought I'd give this four-course meal a 'drop test.' Can you please fix this up for me to go?"
4) Leave the bathroom the way you found it.
Guys, quit peeing in the damn sink, and, ladies, your tampons don’t belong on the floor. The person who decided that it’s socially acceptable to clog the toilet, flood the bathroom and leave it that way can rot in hell. There is a plunger, a trash can and a toilet in the bathroom for a reason, and sometimes, there’s even spray for public use. If you drop a deuce, spray. If you drop a deuce on the floor, clean it up and then spray.
3) Don’t follow an employee home.
It’s not cute or endearing. It’s fucking creepy! If you find yourself going into a place of business every day to see them, repeating their name when you see them, waiting in the parking lot for them to come out, asking where they’re at when they have the day off, following them home at the end of their shift or leaving them messages at work, you might be a stalker. If you want a date with the hot girl that works at the pizza place, give her your phone number, take down the basement shrine and be patient.
2) Don’t walk into an establishment five minutes before close and stay for more than an hour.
That’s just rude. Employment is one part of a person’s life, and closing an establishment is time-consuming. That one hour for you turns into an easy two hours for the employees that had to wait for you. They might have kids, they might have homework and yet they are stuck at work watching you slowly browse through the shirts or talk to your friends. If the music is off and the employees keep staring at you, it means it’s time to GTFO.
And, finally, the No. 1 piece of advice for bad customers:
"Gee. She sure is pretty. Wish I'd drove the windowless van here today."
1) Don’t harass the staff.
Flirting is one thing, grabbing an employee’s ass and telling them what you would like to do to them is something totally different. They can’t defend themselves, because they will get fired, and it’s degrading. In some cases, like waitressing or bartending, the employee might be flirtatious, but it’s probably because they want your tip, not because they want a donkey punch in the back seat of your beat up, run-down Pinto. You want to flirt, then flirt; but keep your sexual fantasies inside your dirty, little mind.