As a great man once said
, “Pour up, drank, head shot, drank, sit down, drank, stand up, drank, pass out, drank, wake up, drank, faded, drank, faded, drank.”
Michigan, we may be facing a three-week stay-at-home order in an effort to curb the spread of the COVID-19 coronavirus, but we can still get faded as fuck.
While some states are pulling the plug on liquor stores per their respective shelter-in-place orders — Alabama closed state-owned shops but is allowing curbside pickup, and Pennsylvania shuttered its state-owned stores last week — Michigan's “convenience stores” have been given the green light to remain open, due in part to the non-alcoholic essential items they offer. You know, like food, toiletries, and other necessary survival provisions like cigarettes, beef jerky, lotto tickets, and boner pills that promise to keep you harder than a rhino tusk for, like, the entire duration of our three-week shelter-in plans.
During her address on Monday
, Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer detailed her state-wide stay-at-home order, which went into effect at midnight on Tuesday. The executive order lays out which Michigan businesses are considered "essential" to our new lives as socially challenged and confined coronavirus-fearing folks who have resorted to putting together that stupid
750-piece 3D Game of Thrones
puzzle our mother-in-law bought us for Christmas, and the measures that must be taken to operate safely as
an essential business.
“So restaurants — the carry-out, dine-out option is still something that is available to people. This is an essential service, which is the feeding of the people of our state,” Whitmer explained on Monday. “So grocery stores, convenience stores, the pharmacy, the restaurant where you can get your takeout — those will all continue to serve the public.”
She added that if you can use a delivery service to deliver the food, use that. “Where you don’t have to physically be the one to go out and and and get it and there are others who are doing that, make use of it if it’s available to you,” she said.
Jeannie Vogel, a spokeswoman for the Michigan Liquor Control Commission, told MLive
it's their “understanding that liquor stores may remain open at this time, but must follow the provisions outlined in the governor's EO.”
So what does that mean for your beloved neighborhood liquor store? (Shoutout to Shaun's Party Store
on Porter Street in Southwest Detroit!) Well, it's pretty simple.
Establishments deemed essential must adhere to the following: restrict the number of workers on-site, keeping only those who are necessary to the business' operation; enforce the CDC's recommended practices of social distancing (six feet of space between people) among patrons and staff; keep shit clean and disinfect regularly, and also have some protocols in place should they come in contact with a positive COVID-19 case; and keep staff who may exhibit COVID-19 symptoms or those who may suspect they have crossed a coronavirus-carrying person the fuck away from the premises.
More good news for people who need a little something to take the edge off this whole plague thing: Michigan's marijuana stores have also been deemed "essential"
for both medical and recreational customers.
So there you have it. Pop a cold one (or seven) and settle into your new life, and remember — adverse reactions to boner pills are a lot like those symptoms of COVID-19
— so erect responsibly and drink ... well, just drink.
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