It must be magic working with actor-writer-director Trey Parker ("South Park")! After all, the chance to be in a movie where nobody can act comes once in a lifetime.

Then there's the really good stuff: the topless 300-pound woman, with a voice that would make even Darth Vader shudder, drooling over Captain Orgazmo; Choa-Boy, Orgazmo's five-foot sidekick armed with explosive plastic penises of various sizes, inventor of the ultimate secret weapon, the orgazmorator; Dave, the lighting guy, who doesn't "want to sound like a queer or nothin'," but he'd really like to bleep Orgazmo in the ass; Neuter-Man, Orgazmo's arch enemy, immune -- for obvious reasons -- to the orgazmorator; and Maxxx Orbison, the producer who calls for "stunt cocks" every time Orgazmo shies away from a bleeping scene.

The film -- let's call it a film and take it upon ourselves to weep in the interval -- starts with a shot of the Hollywood sign subtitled "Hollywood," at the bottom of the screen, for those of lesser wit. Then the main character is introduced: he's Joe Young (Parker), a Mormon with a heart of gold, spreading the word of Jesus among the Hollywood sinners. He knocks at the studio door. Maxxx sends out his gorillas. Young defends himself with the agile moves of a jungle cat. Maxxx witnesses the scene and offers Joe the part of Orgazmo. Joe accepts: He can use the money to wed the blond Mormonette who pines for him in Utah.

After the first two scenes, the only thing that keeps the public going is the belief that it can't get any worse. But Parker is full of surprises. "The first thing you learn in comedy," he says, "is that you're gonna piss people off. All you can do is try to offend people equally." Unfortunately, with its IQ-17 rating, Orgazmo doesn't even offend. Advertised as "a sex farce that celebrates lust, vulgarity and classically sophomoric humor," Orgazmo fails to be funny, lustful or even genuinely vulgar. Intended as a Boogie Nights spoof, Parker's fiasco gives the porn industry a bad name. An accomplishment, indeed.

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